I-wish-I-had-written-that-dialogue kinda awesome

3x23 My Name Is Oliver Queen


Capt. Lance: City's under attack? Must be May......

original air date 13 May 2015

1x10 Lallybroche


Jenny: Do I have to do what I did when we were bairns? Grab you by the bollocks and make you stand still and listen to me?
Jamie: You are now trying to shame me in front of my own wife?
Jenny: Well, if she's your wife I imagine she's more familiar with your balls than I am!

original air date 25 April 2015

5x05 Shot All To Hell


I've accused of being a lot of things...inarticulate ain't one of them. - See more at:
I've accused of being a lot of things...inarticulate ain't one of them. - See more at:
I've been accused of being a lot of things. --- inarticulate ain't one of them.

original air date 5 February 2014

2x12 The Diabolical Kind


Sherlock: The woman is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside of an enigma I've had sex with. I would be lying if I said I was the strongest assessor of her motives at this point.

original air date 2 January 2014

1x07 Midnight Ride

Sleepy Hollow

Ichabod Crane: Dear Miss Mills, I trust this voice missive finds you well, if it finds you at all. I’m still trying to fathom the notion that my words are somehow recorded onto your smart phone. After consideration I agree that it is holy unjust that you are prohibited from attending the Mason's assembly, I will rectify this the moment I arrive. Please join us as we strategize our plan of attack against the horseman's imminent arrival. I am, most respectfully, Ichabode Crane

original air date 11 November 2013

1x19 Snow Angels


Captain Gregson: So the stapler is the ambulance?
Sherlock Holmes: Yeah, - it was a tortoise last night - bear with me...

original air date 04 April 2013

8x02 Restauration

Criminal Minds

Hotch:  You remember Dr. Reid...
Captain Gordinski [offering his hand]: What's it been - six, seven years?
Reid: The number of pathogens passed by a handshake is staggering. It's actually safer to kiss.
Captain Gordinski: Ah. Yeah. I do remember you.

original air date 02 April 2013

4x17 Because the Night

The Vampire Diaries

I'm not stupid.
Rebekah: Let's not say things we don't mean.

Stefan: Where is she now?
Damon: Maybe eating a hot dog...... vendor.

original air date 21 March 2013

7x20 The Girl With The Dungeons And Dragons Tattoo


Charlie, It's a moral imperative that you let me live vicariously through you.
Charlie: Pictures or it didn't happen, right?
Harry: You hooked up at a charity benefit?
Charlie: If you can't score at a reproductive rights function, then you simply cannot score.
original air date 27 April 2012

3x08 Watching The Detectives


Raylan Givens: 
He's got the ice-cold remorseless bottled-blonde shitback killer doing scut work.
Wynn Duffy: Deputy, are you accusing me of being a fake blonde? Because if you need me to prove it to you I might be inclined to break you over that step-ladder, ride you down like a teaser-pony and paint this room in entirely different color.

original air date 6 March 2012

7x05 From Childhood's Hour

Criminal Minds

Agent Morgan:   Four pairs of shoes.
Dr. Reid: Why, exactly, is that relevant?
Morgan: Come on, Reid. How many women you know only have four pairs of shoes in their closet?
Reid: My experience in and around women's closets isn't exactly extensive enough to really formulate an opinion.

original air date 19 October 2011

3x04 Deadline

NCIS Los Angeles

2, S as in Slayer, M as in Metallica, A as in Anthrax, 5, 6, 4, P as in, uh… Parsnip.
Eric: Parsnip? Your lettering system is heavy metal bands and you’re giving me a root vegetable for “P”?
Deeks: I don’t know, man, I drew a blank.
Eric: Pantera? Hello?
Deeks: Oh, Cowboys From Hell. What was I thinking? (…) Poison, Possessed, Pentagram… really, Deeks?

original air date 11 October 2011

2x05 BrotherFae Of The Wolves

Lost Girl

It's either something vaguely bicurious - or they're just hungry. I'm just glad they're not sniffing each other's butts!

original air date 02 October 2011

2x12 The Descent

The Vampire Diaries

Damon (to Rose): 
You went on a murderous rampage. It happens.

original air date 28th January 2011

2x12 The Descent

The Vampire Diaries

Go home, Elena. There has been enough doom, gloom and personal growth for one night.

original air date 28rd January 2011

2x03 Bad Moon Rising

The Vampire Diaries

If this Wolf Man thing is true, I've seen enough movies to know it's not good. It means Mason Lockwood is a real life Lon Chaney and that little Tyler punk may just very well be Lon Chaney Jr., which means Bela Lugosi, meaning ME, is totally screwed.

original air date 23rd September 2010

2x10 Bad Moon Rising

The Vampire Diaries

Caroline [to Stefan]:
Why are you looking at him with your serious vampire look? (...) I mean, it's different from your worried vampire look, neither of which stray too far from your "Hey, it's Tuesday" look.

original air date 23rd September 2010

1x11 Veterans


Tim Gutterson [After Raylan & Art were refused entrance to the veterans club]: 
  No admission, huh? Did you try flirting?
Raylan Givens: He was immune to my charms.
Chief Deputy Art Mullen: Said "heroes only".
Tim Gutterson: Oh, ok. You show them your ass wound?
Chief Deputy Art Mullen: Well, I didn't think it was that kind of evening.

original air date 25 May 2010

1x10 The Hammer


Raylan Givens: 
  Dear Lord, before we eat this meal we ask forgiveness for our sins, especially Boyd- who blew up a black church with a rocket launcher, and afterwards he shot his associate Jared Hale in the back of the head out on Tate's Creek bridge. Let the image of Jared's brain matter on that windshield not dampen our appetites, but may the knowledge of Boyd's past sins help guide these men. May this food provide them with all the nourishment they need. But, if it does not, may they find comfort in knowing that the United States Marshal Service is offering fifty-thousand dollars to any individual providing information that will put Boyd back in prison. Cash or check, we can make it out to them. Or to Jesus. Whoever they want. In your name, we pray. Amen.

original air date 18 May 2010

1x10The Fixer


Deputy U.S. Marshal Raylan Givens:
Something makes my neckhair stand up.
Chief Deputy Mullen: Far be it for me to second-guess your neckair...

original air date 30th March 2010

1x12 Unpleasantville

The Vampire Diaries

I think we need a fresh start.
Bonnie: You tried to KILL me!
Damon: But I didn't. IF I wanted to, I would've. Does that not count for anything?

original air date 28 January 2010

2x10 The Attic


Nolan Kinnard:
I never tried this scenario. I never tried rigor mortis - the new Viagra.

original air date 18th December 2009

2x06 Vampire Weekend


What exactley are you supposed to be?
Richard Castle: Space Cowboy.
Alexis: Okay, A. There *are* no cows in space and B. Didn't you wear that, like 5 years ago?
Richard Castle: So?
Alexis: So, don't you think it's time to move on?

original air date 26th October 2009

2x06 Vampire Weekend


Richard Castle:
[Admiring art work] Reminds me of early Frank Miller.
Kate Beckett: Which Frank? Epic Comic or Dark Horse years?
Richard Castle: Wow, that is the sexiest thing I have heard you say.

original air date 26th October 2009

2x01 Nothing But The Blood

True Blood

Sam Merlotte:
There was a bit of a murder in my parking lot.

original air date 14th June 2009

5x24 Both Sides Now

House M.D.

Three wives. And as soon as you build them up to be, well, as self-sufficient as they were ever gonna be - they drift out of your orbit. and you get sucked over to a planet with a needier gravity.

original air date 11th May 2009

3x21 S3X

Brothers & Sisters

We are such prudes.
Kevin: You're not kidding. One possible three way and we practically have a nervous break-down.
Scotty: I guess we're more comfortable nesting. We may as well be lesbians.
Kevin: Even lesbians have three-ways.
Scotty: Yes, - but their heart is never in it.

original air date 19th April 2009

6x19 Hide And Seek


His attempt to abuse himself to death was interrupted by a single gunshot to the head.

original air date 24th March 2009

3x03 Tug Of War

Brothers & Sisters

Robert McCallister:
I know how you feel. I know how ALL of you feel. Because the minute you HAVE a feeling you start spewing with complete disregard for anyone else, like children. You're adults - get a filter!

original air date 12th October 2008

6x11 The Perfect Dress

Gilmore Girls

There are no jokes in the mental health field, just hand puppets, ink blots and inflatable anger bats.

original air date 10th January 2006

2x03 School Hard

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Spike: If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock. I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flower person, and spent the next six hours watching my hand move.

original air date 29th September 1997